Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
