I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
