I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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