her vagine was all disorganized.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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