considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
There's always time for handjobs
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
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