I accidentally burped into my bong.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
