You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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