Whod you bang
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
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