my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
