You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
