Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
