Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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