dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Of course I have a pirate flag
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
