i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
