he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
