can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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