This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We had sex on a dog bed..
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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