I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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