he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
