Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
