I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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