I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
