Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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