Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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