Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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