If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
