There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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