My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
