Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
