just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize