So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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