I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
