So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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