I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
