I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
