I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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