Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize