But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
