You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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