Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
