WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
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