Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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