I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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