The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
