You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
