i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
