his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize