I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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