I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
