remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
