Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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