so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
