Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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