I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
