I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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