I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
